‘She wrote him a long letter, but he didn’t read it’

2017

He couldn’t get the words out of his mind. The first line his eyes had glossed over before he balled the parchment paper in his hand and tossed it towards the waste paper basket.

I’m sorry, I never meant for it to end this way.’

The words made his eyes sting and his vision blur but he couldn’t face it, he couldn’t accept it. Yet, every time he emptied the waste paper basket he left it on the floor, just next to the trash. Deep down, he knew there was no way he could throw it out without knowing what it said but he wasn’t ready.

Days past – a cold winter turned into a warm spring and a surprisingly hot summer had passed. He’d nearly forgotten about the letter. He’d been so busy with work and family and friends that the letter found itself kicked under a jacket that he’d dropped in front of his wardrobe. His sister had told him his flat was a tip and they were having an intense cleaning day with the occasional break to run to the coffee house on the corner to get hot chocolates and Christmas songs were ringing around the apartment.

He’d picked up the jacket and saw the same, scrunched up piece of paper on the floor.

He smiled, almost fondly – maybe forgetting the letter existed at all was his way of knowing he was ready.

He dropped the jacket back where it was on the floor and flattened out the A4 paper, wondering towards his bed and sitting heavily.

‘I’m sorry, I never meant for it to end this way.

I was careful. Perhaps too careful, that you never suspected, but clearly not careful enough if it ended this way. I’ve had this letter written for a long time, originally it was addressed to my parents but as soon as I met you I thought about rewriting this letter.

I suppose at this point you know – I’m a spy. I go undercover on a regular basis and I’m shot at nearly every day. 

I don’t need to talk about that though, it’s irrelevant now – all I want to say is I’m sorry Charlie, I hope you’re safe and happy and I’m sorry I never told you about who I really was. I just want you to know I love you with all my heart – when I turn 35 I hope this letter has never been delivered and I can retire with you, I want that so much. 

I hope it’s all okay. I hope you still spend Christmas with your family and put that dorky singing dog in a Santa hat on the mantle piece at Christmas.

I love you Charlie, even now. I love you.’

“Charlie, what’s wrong?” The only thing that tore him away from the letter was his sister’s panicked words as she stood in the doorway to his room. He looked up and smiled, realising tears had been streaming down his cheeks.

“Nothing, I’m fine. Genuinely.” He smiled, folding the letter neatly in half and placing it on his desk, pulling his sister into a tight hug and getting back to their tidying.

He’d been so angry that she’d lied to him for so long when she first passed, he didn’t know how to not be angry with her. But a year later he understood – she was protecting him and she still loved him, in the same way he still loved her.


Hello!

Seems like this post is in the wrong order – it’s not, I just didn’t want the story to be prefaced with ‘hi I’m going to do some creative writing!’ and interrupt the flow.

I used to write posts like this fairly regularly – it was good for me to do a little bit of creative writing and I really enjoy writing these little posts so I might do them more regularly this year! I got a book last year called ‘642 things to write about’ so I might post a few of them here.

Finding time to write is something I really struggle with so being able to write here occasionally feels really refreshing and enjoyable – I miss how I used to write all the time and work on stories and characters and plot lines.

I will get back to it, I’m working on getting back to it, it’s just picking my battles and my priorities but I am working on it – I am!

Also bonus Sunday post to make up for my being ill last Monday and missing a post. Regular posts again next week!

Thank you for reading, I have a lot of love for this blog and being able to write these little posts if I feel like it!

Sophie xx

 

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how to find your niche

2016, lifestyle

Hello!

I’ve been really thinking about blogging recently and what I want to do, hence why I took a week off last week, so I’m going to make more of an effort to make more lifestyle themed posts, not just a rubbish online diary.

I’m now classifying myself as a lifestyle, music and travel blogger and that’s where I’m sticking! The lifestyle is going to be more prominent than music or travel because those are more reliant on gigs or releases or actually going travelling and lifestyle is a bit more accessible for me.

But I’ve only recently made this decision of where I want my blog to be, so here are some ways I found to change up my style a little bit!

  • Read a lot of blogs!

It’s hard to know what kind of blog you want to be without knowing what’s already in that genre and what the genre (or niche) is! It’ll give you ideas and make you feel super inspired.

  • Google ‘how to be an X blogger’

It may feel a bit ‘granddad on the internet’, I know, but if you’re feeling a bit lost or overwhelmed, as I definitely was, it can be a really good place to start to get a feel for the genre, to get post ideas and to find new bloggers, which helps with the first point!

  • Try and brainstorm a bunch of ideas

You’ll realise you have more to talk about than you think and hopefully it’ll certify that this is the niche you want your blog to be in. Or, on the other side, it can tell you that it’s not the kind of blog you want to be writing before you start.

A blogging crisis was a bit distressing to me – I’ve written nearly 500 posts now and to realise I didn’t really know what I was doing shocked me a bit but having that week off to do a little bit of research and make some post ideas and figure everything out a little bit was really good for me – I’m in the process of trying to adapt the design of my blog too so if you’ve got any tips or can redesign websites, please let me know in the comments!

Thank you for reading,

Sophie xx

 

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20 Things I Learnt Before 20

2016

Hello!

It was my birthday yesterday and I thought just to round off my 19 years, I’d write about 20 things I’ve learnt before being 20! And that’ll be the last I mention my birthday I swear.

1. Life goes on – things keep moving whether you want them to or not and more often than not it’s best to let yourself have a moment and move along with it (and more often than not, it’s easier said than done).

2. Don’t pretend to like stuff for others – music, make-up, clothes – you’re your own person and not liking something doesn’t have to be personal.

3. Don’t blame yourself for everything – while it’s so easy to think everything your fault, nobody’s perfect and beating yourself up isn’t going to change anything.

5. Savour those who make you feel loved – because people who put as much effort into a friendship as they get out are truly valuable people.

6. Don’t leave assignments to the last minute – just, do your homework. Seriously.

7. Sometimes, jam on toast is the answer – particularly at 2am.

8. If you don’t like something, you’re the only one who can change it – bad people in your life? Get rid of them. Bad habits? Change them. Only you can make your happiness.

9. Blogging is something I can do forever – it’s not a life lesson but genuinely, someone find me a job where I blog all day every day because I would love it.

10. I’m actually way more indie hipster than I realise and I don’t care – I actually quite like it.

11. Growing up is terrifying.

12. Travelling is the only thing I know I want to do – the list of places I want to go is longer than the list of actually concrete ideas for my career.

13. Wishing you could do something is useless, go learn to do it – you won’t be good at it straight away, but you’ll be better than if you didn’t try.

14. Music shows a piece of the soul – and it’s so expressive.

15. Art is everywhere and everyone has the capacity to be creative – but no one shows it in the same way.

16. Cooking is such a valuable skill – and it’s so much fun too.

17. Learn and embrace culture – because being narrow minded and blindly patriotic for your whole life is boring if nothing else.

18. Study and learn forever – just to keep growing as a person.

19. Always make things – for me it’s blogging and writing, for others it can be anything but staying active and making things is so satisfying.

20. Your 20s are the best years of your life – they can’t be any worse than being a teenager.

Happy Birthday me?

Thank you for reading,

Sophie xx

 

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What motivates me?

2016

Hello!

Sometimes I need a bit of inspiration to get out of bed – on bad mental health days and tired days I need a little bit more to remind why I need to get up for the day. It’s quite a personal list, as in this is what motivates me specifically, but hopefully others can take inspiration from this too!

1) The thought of getting my book published – if I don’t get up and do some writing, I’m never going to be able to hold that beautiful hard back book with a meaningfully written forward and my local paper going ‘can we have an interview?’ and my old school being all ‘come back to us we love you’ and me making another meaningful speech about how promoting academics and Oxbridge isn’t everything and I did it without any support from my school.

I’ve definitely not thought about this… at all.

2) Work experience I’ve already had – remembering what I got to do at Channel 4 and NASS, the work I got to do and how one day, I’ll hopefully be able to do more than that and work for other companies, bigger festivals and maybe specific artists.

3) Being a productive person who has their life together.

I can pretend.

4) I’ll feel rubbish if I don’t do anything productive – I’m someone who’s mood relies fairly heavily on how ‘productive’ their day has been and when I do a lot, even if I don’t feel inspired at the beginning, I often feel better and even more motivated at the end! For example, it took me the best part of half an hour to write the first couple of paragraphs of this blog post but now that I’m into it I’ll finish the rest in one go!

5) The people I admire might see me as someone they respect and might work with me as an equal. This is something I think about a lot – the people I watch on YouTube and the writers I love, I’d love for them to see me as an equal content creator, not some creepy fangirl.

6) Lucas – sounds super sappy, but a life with him where we don’t have to worry about things financially or be in jobs we hate and we can live in relative comfort is a real inspiration to me.

7) So I can end up in a job that makes me happy and passionate.

Being inspired and loving what I do are really important features to me!

This post in itself has actually inspired me a lot? If you like, you could leave the things that motivate you in the comments!

Thank you for reading,

Sophie xx

 

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