friend break-ups

2018, lifestyle, mental health

Hello!

I’ve been thinking about writing a post like this for a while and then yesterday, I uploaded my ‘things I’d tell my teenage self’ video and I touched on this subject and I wanted to make a full blog post about it, because I have a lot to say.

I want to emphasise this with obviously this is only one side of the story – there’s always a part of my brain that when I talk about friends I’ve lost that screams that maybe I’m the one in the wrong, maybe I’m just an awful friend and the problem here is me. I’m aware of this, but with that said let’s get on with it.

Losing a friend is the worst – there are songs and films and books about relationships and break ups but if you really listen to the message of those mediums you’ll find that in most cases you can empathise in a similar way about friend break-ups.

I seem to make friends with a lot people who don’t put the same effort in as I do or don’t reciprocate or value my friendship in the same way I do, maybe it’s because they just don’t like me that much and yeah that crosses my mind a lot. But it’s when someone tells you that they love having you around and then still don’t really show it is when I start to get upset.

And this is the point where I test it. So maybe ‘testing’ friendships isn’t the healthiest approach, but the way I test it is I stop being the one to reach out first – I don’t start a conversation, I’m not the one to arrange going for a coffee or whatever. And that’s when I know that testing it was worth it because I never hear from that person again. Maybe they’re just grateful that I finally stopped bugging them but in some cases, years later, they’ve messaged me again and said ‘it’s been years since we talked!’ and I’m like yeah, I wonder why that is. At that point I don’t reply.

On the other side, sometimes a ‘friend’ will message me first but it’s only when they’re sad or something bad has happened and they want someone to boost their ego and I’m happy to be a person to talk to, but in a world of mental health problems if they’re going to lean on me so heavily when they’re sad I need to be able to lean back and I couldn’t, so I was ignored and I crumpled.

(that metaphor went surprisingly well)

But this isn’t a pity party! I’m not trying to say that I’ve never had a good friend, I do have friends that are very close to my heart and I’m very grateful to call my friends. I’m not trying to evoke sympathy or portray myself like a victim or anything.

What I’m saying is if you’re the person being leaned on – stop letting them lean, don’t use your precious emotional energy, passion and love helping someone else feel better when it wouldn’t even cross their mind to do the same for you. Focusing on the people that really care about you will be so much more fulfilling and make your heart so much happier.

Letting people go is hard, really hard, especially when they turn to you in dark times and leaving them there feels like the worst thing in the world and makes you feel like an awful person but you’re not, sometimes for your own sake you have to prioritise yourself.

It hurts, and you can justify mourning a lost friendship in the same way people mourn relationships – sometimes it’s someones fault, sometimes it’s on mutual terms, sometimes for your own sake you just have to let them go but just like relationships, it does get better. You don’t spend your entire life being sad about that person, you find new people, better people and life goes on.

Just to disclaim again, I’m aware that every story has two sides and whilst on one side this is how I’ve interpreted it, I could be wrong and my brain tells me basically every day that I’m an awful human and everything’s my fault anyway ha ha #lol (covering up my sadness with sarcasm as per).

I do have a handful of incredibly close friends and I wouldn’t trade them for anything – I know I could message them whenever and I hope they feel the same about me. I don’t want them to feel invalid because of what I’ve written about other people in this post so to clarify: I don’t think this of all the people I at one point or another called friends.

Thank you for reading,

Sophie xx

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difficult friendships: you’re the most important

2017, lifestyle, student

Hello!

I thought struggling with friendships and not knowing who really cared for me was something that I had to worry about at 16, but then I was 18 and now I’m nearly 21 and I’ve had a lot of difficulty making friends and maintaining friendships and I don’t think it’s something that ever really goes away.

But just because it doesn’t go away doesn’t mean it’s okay or that you should put up with it – here are some things that I’ve learned over losing and trying to make friends that are worth your time and make you happy.

If your friends don’t make you feel happy and loved, are they really worth your time at all? If they’re pointing out your insecurities or ganging up on you (even if it starts as a joke, it can still happen too often and if it’s hurting you then it’s not okay regardless of the intent!) then something needs to be done.

You need to be surrounded by people who think of you even when you’re not present – when they message you about something that just popped into their heads or they see a picture of puppy on Facebook and they tag you in it.

If you’re always the one organising coffee or nights in or nights out even, just take a step back and stop – stop texting first, stop making plans and just see how long it takes for them to notice (but then conversely, if they do message you don’t let them always message first because then they’ll feel like you felt like… does that make sense?).

Time should feel almost as if it doesn’t pass when you’re surrounded by good people – if you’re counting down the minutes until it’s an acceptable time to leave or you’re finding yourself checking the time or scrolling endlessly through Instagram to pass the time then you’re probably not spending time with people who are engaging you on any kind of level.

Conversation shouldn’t feel forced or make you feel uncomfortable – if you’re talking about the weather for the sake of talking about the weather or telling each other about how uni or work is going just to have something to say, there’s no point.

You never deserve to be someone’s second choice – ever, you do not deserve to be shunned for anyone else. Not to say that everyone should only have one set of friends, but if you find yourself being turned away by the same person over and over again so they can spend time with someone else you don’t need that – they aren’t worth your time, effort and love.

There’s nothing more empowering than surrounding yourself with friends that make you feel like you could take on the world together – cutting people out of your life hurts like hell but when you realise how much they were holding your back and tearing you down, you’ll be grateful for your strength.

I know this blog post is a little bit different but it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and still something I’m struggling to come to terms with.

Thank you for reading,

Sophie xx

 

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2054th Birthday Gathering! | Turning 20

2016

Hello!

This weekend I went home for a little family event gathering occasion thing for my mum and my birthdays – the number in the title is our combined ages, combined in what way I shall not reveal. Though it’s not too difficult to figure out. Sorry mum?

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There are always family photos at gatherings like that, especially in my family but I really love this one. My sister’s hair looks incredible right now, my mum is actually smiling and laughing and (aside from my brown/black/green hair, I’m getting it fixed soon I promise) I’m really pleased with the shirt I got, I think it’s really cute and it was only £10 from Primark!

The thing I really love it the bread roll in my hand. If any photo really sums me up it’s this one.

It was a really lovely weekend filled with people I love and appreciate all in one place – I got to see my not-really-Aunty Heather, my aunt, uncle and cousins, my nan and another uncle and even one of my friends from uni managed to make it to my family home too, it was so nice to be surrounded by such important people for the weekend. It was a really nice way to bring my family together for one occasion with lots of cake, food and barbecue!

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Some of my most favourite people, so much love for them all right now.

Being 20 is something I’ve been thinking about for a long while – I feel like it’s a big change mentally going from 19 to 20; am I an adult now? Do I have to be responsible now? The joke that people always ask if you feel older on your birthday every year kind of resonates with me right now because I feel like I’m really starting the next chapter of my life – my 20s begin now, my second year of uni is about to start and everything just feels that little bit more serious right now.

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Of course, I’m not quite an adult yet but I am getting there in feeling more independent and self sufficient, which is something I’m aiming towards, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still enjoy birthday parties and presents and cake!

I’ll still go home to my mum and my parents still give me money to go to Asda and book dentist appointments for me but I have to remember to schedule uni, assignments and personal projects for myself, make sure I’ve got eggs in the fridge and I don’t spend all my money on random Amazon purchases and caramel doughnuts.

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Thank you, Birthday 2016.

And thank you for reading,

Sophie xx

 

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