I keep talking about wanting to try new things on my blog and that’s precisely what I’m doing – I’ve talked before about how I love fashion, not in a sense of following trends but in putting outfits together and trying to recreate things I’ve seen on Instagram or Twitter with my own wardrobe.
Summer is a new challenge for me right now because I’m trying to balance the warmer weather and bringing out my more summery clothes, with feeling the lowest I’ve ever felt and being more insecure about my body than I’ve ever been before (and also my heaviest).
Basically, anything that shows off my arms or my stomach is a no, which isn’t easy in summer.
This outfit is made up of a dress I got from Asda (I think) last summer and a denim jacket I bought from Primark last summer, sometimes accompanied by a flower crown headband I bought from Flying Tiger and sunglasses I got from EE at Summer in the City, a YouTube convention, in 2015 for free. The main reason I wore my burgundy Dr Martens was because I knew I was going to have to do a lot of walking that day and they’re my comfiest shoes but also they look a little bit badass.
I’m really enjoying swing dresses right now because they hide my tummy and I still feel a tiny bit pretty and feminine. But I won’t wear them without tights and a jacket – I tend to go for this denim jacket, a white kimono with elephants on my mum bought me last year or an oversized checked shirt.
Self confidence is something I have basically no memory of having – there was a period of about three months in 2015 where I loved my hair and how I looked and how many notes my selfies got on tumblr but before and after that time I’ve really struggled to be comfortable with my body – I’m not a naturally skinny person, I put on weight by looking at food and I hate it more than anything. When I start to think about what I don’t like about myself I could do on and eventually list every part of my body, maybe it’s stuff that nobody else will notice but I rarely wear my high top converse anymore because I don’t like how they make my legs look even bigger than they already are.
I have about five pairs of high top converse that I just can’t bring myself to wear.
There’s a lot to be said for just loving what you’ve got because it’s what you’re stuck with and what I always used to say was ‘fake it till you make it’ because if I took selfies like I was one of the pretty girls at school then I’d start to feel like them and in 2015 that worked but I don’t think that would work anymore – I’m not jealous of how people look, I’m jealous of how skinny they are, how good they are at make-up, how much more creatively expressive they are than me, how much freelance work they’re getting; how happy they are. And that’s not really stuff you can ‘fake till you make’.
But I did like this outfit. And I love the sunny weather. It was a nice day out with my boyfriend and even though I’m struggling to find the good days right now, maybe one day it will get better – maybe I’ll lose weight and start to feel better about myself.
Thank you for reading,