I’d be lying if I said that these past couples of months hadn’t been a struggle. I’ve been trying to document my workout regime and weight loss and the writing of a 100,000 word book in two months but it’s not been anything like that and every other post has been a story of extreme ups and downs.
This month I’ve been feeling very sporadically – I’ll be sad for absolutely no reason (which is literally what depression is, I know) with no kind of stimulus, it’s just like my brain shuts down and my chest hurts and I don’t want to move and I just want to sit and eat and not exist.
In June I was busy, productive and happy – I was packing to move out of halls, I was getting lots of shifts at work. My mind was occupied both in terms of having something to do and in that I was blogging every day so creatively I was completely on top of everything – every post seemed to be about organisation in June because that was how I felt, super organised and in control.
Since then I’ve just felt empty. I’m still blogging and I did a lot of editing for YouTube and I’m trying to be as creative as I can be. I’m working as much as I can and trying to keep myself busy but I just don’t feel as satisfied, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything. The only way I can describe how I feel a lot of the time is sadness, in it’s simplest, most basic form.
I don’t want to sleep – every night I just lie awake and it’s like my body is trying to punish itself because I just have no desire to sleep. I think such awful, dark thoughts that I actually scare myself, I’m surprised that I’m letting myself think these things.
Often I just feel completely lack lustre and have no energy, even to do things that normally make me really happy – like writing, making videos and even working out, to some extent.
And don’t even get me started on feeling tired literally 100% of the time.
That’s why I couldn’t stick to working out or actually rewriting my book – because I’m genuinely afraid of failure and to face that I’m already failing by being so behind, just makes me want to ignore it and not acknowledge it but I can’t; I feel guilty for not being motivated.
I’m so scared of getting help, the thought of trying to tell another human being what goes on in my head, particularly when they’re a GP Doctor who really doesn’t care about me at all and won’t believe anything I have to say as anything more than ‘she’s a hormonal student being melodramatic’.
I’ve tried talking to people, people I trust and a couple of professionals but no one quite seems to get it and a lot of the time I get told that I’m definitely feeling one way when I know that inside I’m not. I can’t go through that again.
I don’t really know what I’m doing or the point of this post. I am getting better at handling myself and trying to push through the down days and pull myself out of it.
I guess I’m okay, just not right now.
Thank you for reading,
Uni blog: http://sophieannblogs.blogspot.co.uk/