Friends | June – sophie counts clouds

Hello!

This blog post is going to be long, but for anyone that’s ever worried about having friends or has been through difficulties with friends, I highly recommend reading this post. Just, stick with me.

Through school, I always had awful friends – my mum often use to tell me that she hated watching me being treated the way I was treated and feeling like I deserve it. I never felt appreciated or cared about by any of my friends through primary or secondary school and it took me coming away from it to realise that I shouldn’t have stood for it.

I had one friend who was my best friend and I couldn’t imagine ever not being friends with her – we met when we were 10 and I thought we would be friends for the rest of our lives. That was, until she starting dating the guy who I had previously had a crush on (I hate this phrase with a burning passion). This guy had completely screwed me over and it wasn’t something I’d ever really come to grips with and having talked to her about it throughout the entire event, she dated him anyway like I was going to be okay with it.

Complete assholes, the pair of them (Sorry Nan, I feel the language is appropriate).

But I did try to be okay with the relationship – she was my best friend and part of me still liked him too so I tried my best to be okay with it. But it didn’t work – it hurt me so much. So as a coping mechanism, I wrote about it in a fictional manner to get it out of my system. As someone who had a fanfiction blog, I knew it was something my followers would like.

Obviously I didn’t name names or anything but I did publish it.

She found it. She wasn’t too happy about it.

I appreciate that I was also in the wrong but in my defence, I was very careful and deliberate in not upsetting my friend – I did not say anything mean about her because my main problem was with him and what he’d done to me and partially with her for not remembering everything he’d put me through.

But what she did to me and the hurt I felt outweighed any potential hurt I caused her and I won’t deny that I know I upset her, but not in the way to match sobbing at 2am because I couldn’t believe my best friend would do this to me.

So when I left school in 2015, I had three friends from school (that I still treasure to this day!) and I’d cut off some people I’d been friends with for years and years and I was alone. I was the loneliest I’ve ever been but the happiest, as can be seen in my blog posts from about June onwards in 2015.

Uni is the best decision I’ve ever made – I have the best friends I ever could have made in my whole life and because of old experiences, sometimes I still doubt whether my friends like or care about me but I’m often reassured that they’re always here and they love me as much as I love them. They want me to talk to them when I’m sad and I’m so grateful to have them in my life.

Slowly, I’m getting over the bad habits in my brain but things are better now.

For me at least, the people alongside my ‘best friend’ are obviously still hung up on what happened at school and haven’t moved past it.

At least I don’t write tweets about people from years ago.

My sister saw this and got really angry on my behalf and asked me “How dare they say such an ugly thing?” and I’m quite pleased with my response:

“It makes them ugly people and I’m glad I got away from it.”

Following this tweet, I received a very mature message from an old friend who apologised on behalf of the one who actually sent the tweet. This post is not in response to the tweet, I had the idea weeks ago. Just to clarify.

Everything does get better and I’m in a much better place now – have faith!

Thank you for reading,

Sophie xx