growing up – being in-between | June

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Hello!

Disclaimer before I start: obviously I can only draw on the experiences of myself and those I know so if I say something that you feel is really, really wrong or different to your experience, comment and let me know!

Being in your late teens or early 20s, I feel, is a time when you start being treating like an adult and you feel you shouldn’t be. To me, I’m still the same person I was when I was 15 but people want me to start taking responsibility for stuff. Ew.

For example, when I was away with my family last week, I bought a new swimsuit and there was a mum with a little girl behind me in the queue and I started wondering whether she knew that I was spending money I don’t really have and I’m not really in control of anything.

It’s one of those signs that you’re growing up and you’re not really coming to terms with it very well so when another parent on the same holiday tells their child to ‘mind the lady’ and you are the lady in reference and it’s not okay. But ‘you’ is me and I’m still not okay with not being a ‘girl’ or even a ‘little girl’! The fact I have a job and I’m trying to pay rent and get a degree and those all sound far too grown up for me. I want to do some colouring.

It’s tricky when you’re trying to manage your own income but also you’re not completely self sufficient because you’re relying on students loans and balancing a part time jobs alongside getting some parental support if you’re fortunate enough to have parents that can support you but you’re still trying to be independent.

It’s very confusing.

There’s a lot of second person and ‘but’s. It’s relevant!

I may look like a grown up on the outside (well, as grown up as anyone with galaxy hair can look) but I am still someone who needs my mum to do things for me on the inside. Such as cooking and laundry and loving me unconditionally… for example.

Turning 20 is something that people my age talk about a lot. When thinking about this I realised that turning any multiple of 10 is something everyone seems to dread! But being 20 I feel is a massive deal (obviously I say that, because I’m turning 20) because you lose that safety blanket of having ‘teen’ in your age and it really does feel like I’m losing a massive comforter in turning 20 and it’s not my birthday for another three months. Almost four months. In 81 days in fact.

I don’t like change but I have got better at handling it. This past year has been a lot of change and having no choice but to deal with it is basically the entire reason I’ve got better at handling things.

When I was a child, Peter Pan was my idol without a shadow of a doubt. This is where I wanted to include a photo of me aged 5 going to World Book Day at school as Peter Pan whilst every girl I knew was a princess or a fairy or a horse or something. I love Peter Pan a lot and that’s probably why I particularly am quite scared of growing up.

Neverland sounds like a good idea right now!

Thank you for reading,

Sophie xx

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