The first time my mum wrote fanfiction is was because I’d gotten a request on my 5SOS blog that I didn’t like about someone in the band (all 18+) dating someone who was 14, creepy right? So my mum wrote a really sarcastic one-shot (with a sequel) that described Luke and the 14 year old girl going on a kids date because he was interested in her mum or something. It was hilarious, you can read it here if you like. And the sequel.
I can’t remember the circumstances in which my mum wrote the piece I’ll show you today. I think I must have been sad for some reason or another and my mum googled a bunch of 5SOS songs and included them in a piece of writing, also including puns on the band members names.
It’s never been published online before, so here’s my mum’s Sophie Counts Clouds debut, enjoy!
Three young lads sat in the kitchen. One absentmindedly strummed at his guitar and another improvised with two pencils playing an imaginary drum kit. The third had fingers posed over a laptop but was staring out the window lost in his own world. Suddenly the door swings upon and a fourth lad appears. He ambles in and throws himself on the sofa.
“Sorry,” He said. “Took the long way home.”
“Knew you’d end up here.” Said the guitar strummer.
“What you all up to then?” Asked the late arrival, helping himself to some luke warm tea.
“Trying to write a song, but nothing is inspiring us.” Said Laptop Boy.
“Don’t stop cos I arrived.” Said Late Arrival. “Can I sit here beside you?” He sat down next to Laptop Boy.
“This is boring.” Announced Drummer Boy with a dramatic drum roll – well, as dramatic as two pencils can get! “I’ve gotta get out of here. I’m fed up being boring. Let’s be unpredictable! I know – let’s eat doughnuts!”
“Can’t eat doughnuts,” Said Guitar Boy. “They contain those things – eeerrrr what are they called again… cal… um… Oh I remember, calories! I’m not allowed to eat calories!”
“Stop extracting the michael will you.” Said Laptop Boy, trying to keep order. “Try and concentrate!”
“You can’t concentrate,” Teased Late Arrival. “Because you’re in luuuuurve!”
“In love?” Said Guitar Boy. “Ooooohhh who with?”
Late Arrival flashed a photo up on his mobile phone.
“Wow!” Said Guitar Boy. “She looks so perfect. Kiss me, kiss me!” He said in a mocking voice, planting a big sloppy kiss on the phone. “How old is she?”
“18.” Replied Laptop Boy. “She’s great, one of those perfect, good girls. But it will never be – she’s out of my limit I think.”
“Why’s that?” Asked Drummer Boy.
“She’s English.” Laptop Boy said dreamily.
“Aah – an English Love Affair!” Said Guitar Boy. “A definite heart break girl then!”
“Shut up!” Said Laptop Boy aggressively. “I’m fed up of you being an idiot. Just shut up!”
“Wow!” Said Drummer Boy. “Don’t have a go at everything I say – or rather, everything I didn’t say! I’m not having a go at all!”
“You are, you’re an idiot – you’re just a social casualty! I wish I had a voodoo doll of you so I could stick pins in it.”
“What you need, Mr Bond,” Began Guitar Boy with an attempt at a Sean Connery Scottish accent to lighten the mood. “Ish something to shtun everyone in shilence and shtop all this arguing! What you boys need is a gun – a shtun gun!”
There was a moment’s silence, then everyone burst into loud laughter.
“Your accent is useless!” Spluttered Drummer Boy.
“I must have amnesia.” Said Laptop Boy. “Because I swear James Bond never sounded like that!” He unplugged his laptop. “So, another day with no songs written. That’s bad.”
“Why can’t we come up with any song titles?” Asked Guitar Boy. “You’d think they’d be staring us in the face!”
“Someone take me home please – I can’t take any more of this brain drain!” Said Drummer Boy.
“We can’t even think of a band names, let alone a song title!” Said Guitar Boy.
“I’ve got the perfect band name.” Announced Late Arrival. Everyone looked at him expectantly.
“Well, it’s summer isn’t it? And it doesn’t seem five seconds since it was winter – and in another five seconds it will be winter again won’t it? So it is obvious what we should call ourselves, isn’t it?”
“What?” The other three chorused in unison.
“Well,” Said Late Comer dramatically. “We should call ourselves… Two Directions of Winter!”
Isn’t that a work of art? Plus points to anyone who gets all the references, leave a comment with how many you can count and how many of the names you spotted! One of them’s really tricky, I didn’t notice until my mum told me.
I don’t know if this is actually funny or if I find it funny because it’s my mum that wrote it, but I think it’s amazing.
Thank you for reading,
That’s where you’ll find me: