I’m too tired and too sad to find a header picture tonight. It doesn’t really suit the post.
I’ve expressed before on this blog that I’m not very good at making or keeping friends – I accidentally push people away and I’m hyper aware and conscious of people getting bored of me and when I’m being annoying and clingy.
But I have words – I’m so good at words and articulating what I want to say. I just wish I was brave enough to say them. I wish I was brave enough to say when I’m hurting and when I need to reach out for help and when I need to find someone to give me attention when I need it, because I don’t get much attention, not in real life.
I tried to explain this in my video about bands (Why I’m ‘obsessed’ with bands) how getting attention online (which I’ll admit I do get, not excessively but some) isn’t the same as having ‘real life’ friends because there are things you get from hanging out with someone and being in the same room and seeing them and having that physical presence that you can’t feel online.
If I make a post saying I’m sad on tumblr, I get quite a lot of messages saying people like me and I’m good enough and they want me to be happier. But I’m still sat in front of my computer with an empty feeling in my chest – it’s like seeing what I could have but when I reach out my hands there’s nothing there; no one there.
I want to say how hard it is not being good enough for the people I love – not being their first choice friend and only getting their attention when there’s not someone ‘cooler’ or better to them around. It’s so hard watching people give the friendship I want to other people – listening to people talk about when they’re going out to town and what happened over the weekend knowing I didn’t see anyone and no one wants to spend that time with me hurts.
But these words don’t really describe the ache in my chest and the tears in my eyes. Nothing explains it and if I ever try to explain it in person I just start crying because I am weak – I’m not brave enough.
Even writing this now scares me, I think actually posting it might help though. Maybe, I don’t know, but I need to post it because I’m in the wrong place to write about anything right now.
Thank you for reading, sorry I’m not brave enough to say these words directly,
That’s where you’ll find me:
My GoFundMe Page for my trip to Ecuador: http://gofundme.com/iwz21w
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